Establishing clear boundaries that exhibit self-respect is a key component in growing mentally stronger. But setting boundaries can be tough, especially at first.
The fear of abandonment, the desire to be liked, and the uncertainty of what to do if boundaries are crossed are just a few reasons you might hesitate to tighten your boundaries.
But before you can decide if your boundaries are working, you should review the current boundaries you have in place. If you experience any of these things, you may want to create firmer boundaries for yourself.
1. You say yes to almost everything asked of you. You might overestimate how much you can accomplish. Or, your self-worth might depend on being a bit of a superhero.
If you like it when people talk about how you’re able to do things that no one else could do, you might find that accepting nearly impossible tasks feels good—at least at first. Then, it feels terrible when you realize how much work you’re going to have to do to get it done.
Every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. When you agree to help your friend with a project, you’re saying no to time with your family. Or when you agree to tackle another task that’s going to require you to work late, you’re saying no to taking care of yourself.
2. You apologize for things that aren’t your fault. A lack of boundaries may cause you to apologize for other people’s feelings—even when you didn’t cause their pain. If you find yourself frequently saying things like, “I’m sorry you feel bad,” or “I’m sorry you had a bad day,” it could be a sign you’re taking on too much responsibility for other people’s emotions.
You might also find that you apologize for taking up space. Apologizing before you speak up in a meeting or saying you’re sorry when you walk past someone is a sure sign that you don’t feel deserving of other people’s time and energy.
When you establish better boundaries, you show people that you have respect for yourself. They, in turn, will likely show more respect for you. Small changes, like saying, “Thank you for holding the door for me,” instead of, “Sorry I’m slow,” can be a step in the right direction.
3. You stoop to other people’s level. When you’re being treated poorly, you might be tempted to adopt the, “If you can’t beat them, join them,” attitude. But acting contrary to your values and changing your behavior to get ahead is a sign that things are becoming unhealthy.
Just because someone else is gossiping, doesn’t mean you have to gossip too. Or if someone starts yelling, you don’t need to raise your voice. Instead, those are prime opportunities to make your boundaries known.
Healthy boundaries can involve speaking up and saying, “I’m not comfortable doing that.” But you don’t always have to use your words. Walking away and ending a conversation are great ways to show people that you’re not going to engage in activities that go against your core values.
4. You complain about someone a lot. When you complain to your partner about your co-worker, it’s probably a sign you could benefit from setting better boundaries at work. Or when you waste a lot of time complaining to your mom about your sister, it’s a sign that you could benefit from setting healthier boundaries with your sister.
When you feel like people are infringing on your life, you can either accept it and move forward or you can set boundaries that preserve your inner peace. Boundaries could involve anything from saying, “I’m not able to give you the attention this issue deserves right now because I’m in the middle of something,” to “No, I’m not going to loan you any money.” When you start setting those kinds of boundaries, you’ll have fewer things to complain about.
5. You lose your temper. When you feel disrespected, you might be irritable often. You might lose your temper frequently—and sometimes, your anger might be misdirected.
If you feel like you’ve been pushed around all day at work, you might say something rude to the cashier at the grocery store after you clock out. Or, you might have a short fuse with your kids if you feel like your partner is taking advantage of you.
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If you find yourself frustrated frequently, ask yourself where you might need to set better boundaries. It might just be a quick 5-minute interaction every day that sets negativity in motion or you might discover there are several things you can do to set more time aside for self-care.
6. You blame other people. Whether you blame your partner for making you mad or you blame your colleague for ruining your day, blame implies other people have power over your life.
You are in control of how you think, feel, and behave. Once you accept responsibility for your time, who you spend your time with, and how you function, you’ll see that you have opportunities to set boundaries throughout the day.
It’s up to you to establish a healthy environment that helps you be at your best.
7. You feel powerless. When you lack boundaries, you’ll feel like everything is spinning out of control. You won’t feel like you have control over your money, your time, or your productivity. You might even start to become a bit helpless and hopeless.
Sometimes, you might have an idea of what you need to do, but you just can’t talk yourself into it yet—like changing jobs. At other times, you might not know where to start. You might just feel as though no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing is going to work.
You can start small by setting aside some time or money or by making a phone call that you’ve been putting off. You might also benefit from saying no to someone. But taking charge of one small thing at a time can empower you to create positive changes.
8. You spend time dreading an event or a person you’re going to see. If you spend five days dreading an event you volunteered to attend, it’s a sign that you’re giving that event a lot of real estate in your life. Similarly, if you’re consumed with dread about someone you’re going to see (like that uncle at Thanksgiving who always makes inappropriate political jokes), you might benefit from better boundaries.
You can always create a plan for yourself about how you’ll set a boundary. For example, you might decide to take your own car to an event so you can leave whenever you want and not feel stuck there. Or you might decide that if the person you dread seeing asks you an inappropriate question, you’ll say, “I’m not going to talk about that.”
Just having a clear plan for yourself might go a long way toward easing your dread. Then, you can spend your time thinking about the people and topics that are more worthy of your energy.
9. You resort to unhealthy coping skills. Pouring yourself a drink or indulging in an extra helping of comfort food might make you feel better for a minute. Over the long term, however, those coping strategies might introduce new problems into your life or worsen existing issues.
You’ll likely find tightening them up a little might be instrumental in reducing your stress.
Maybe you’re letting your coworker interrupt your work too often. Or maybe you’re answering the phone whenever your friend calls to vent and it’s interfering with your ability to get things done. Setting more boundaries or addressing the ones that are a little on the lax side can go a long way to reducing your stress.
Review Your Boundaries Often
Boundaries aren’t something you set once. You should review your boundaries often and consider changes you may want to make. As your life changes and your relationships grow and shift, your boundaries should shift too. And while there may be areas where you decide to loosen them a little, you might find tightening them up in other places helps you think, feel, and do your best in life.
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